Thursday, January 17, 2013
Hope can be so uplifting and positive, or discouraging and negative. Hope first came in the form of me wishing and longing to have a 4th baby. Snap ...pregnant. Hope of a happy gender reveal Ultrasound turning negative and announcing problems. Hope of everything was going to turn out . Hope that some things were looking good and through a amino ruling out some other very real problems. Hope that I could survive the unknown. Hope that when I went to the hospital to deliver that I would be getting my epidural sooner then later. Hope that after Ryker was born and showing a few positive signs of not needing to much medical help as originally thought and having things only progress. Hope that after I was settled in my room I could try to get a few hours of sleep. Hope that when I heard that phone ring in my room that it was not bad news on the other line. Hope that the ECMO machine he was going to go on was going to be brief and would make everything all better. Hope that all those numbers on the monitor of his vitals would be stable. I spent hours and hours there just staring at that monitor. Hope he would get off ECMO soon. Hope of getting word he was making huge strides forward . But just as much as the positive came and you were feeling a tad calmer BOOM some new emergency set back occurred. Seriously that was a roller coaster ride I do not recommend to anyone. Hope that hell make it through another surgery. Hope that he will be able to survive with out the ECMO. Hope that all would be stable. Hope that Rykers siblings could meet him soon. Hope that all that breast pumping would be worth it. Hope that I was not burdening all those angels taking care of meals for months for my family. Hope I could finally hold him close. Hope that because he actually did well being held that I would be able to do it a lot more times. Hope that I could dress him. Hope that the outfit I bought and he only wore one full day would fit. Hope that they had Dr Pepper and eclairs in the cafeteria . Hope I was not looking to homely. Hope all the prayers were being heard. Hope that Our favorite nurses were on call working with him all day and night. Hope that my favorite comic relief ellens daytime show was recording at home and I could watch it each night. Hope that we would not get any late night phone calls of bad news. Hope all the specialists didn't know what they were talking about when they told us he was not going to survive. Hope that we made the right desicion in letting him go. Hope that it would be fast and painless for him. Hope I would not become a basket case. Hope we explained it well to our children, Hope we took all the right pictures. Hope we made the right decision in his funeral, Hope I could get out of bed each day. Hope that he would not be forgotten. Fact that families are together forever. Fact that I will see him again. Fact he is near. Fact that I"m stronger now then I ever been. Fact that he was loved by many. Fact that he was a missionary in his own way. Fact he lived a beautiful like. Hope that he felt our love as much as we felt his. Hope that this coming Year will be way better then last year. Hope I never have to go through that ever again of seeing only brighter things in our future.
And hope that all those who helped and supported our family for months. Know how much we appreciated it all and we love them so much. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.
What does the word hope mean to you and how do you have hope in your lives. Like I said...powerful word